Emily Pinkerton

NOT A GAME

After decades away from the piano, these are the words that came out of me as I sat down to play. Post-pandemic, the world was so different; my life was so different. It made sense to write differently, and take a deliberate detour from fiddle, banjo and guitar.

At the piano, I felt like I was with an old friend, saying “this is what has happened since I last saw you.” I sing about needing a witness to brokenness. Finding permission to let go of grace and grit. Searching for a way to speak again, with a sense of safety and strength. 

SOMETHING YOU NEVER HAD

This is a response to one of my very favorite songs: a song that is precious to me, but has understated misogyny threaded throughout. It says “I know what’s best for you.”

“Something You Never Had” is a refusal of any kind of love that undermines.

ALUVION (DELUGE)

This song is in Spanish. I wrote it after the death of my friend Abigail. She grew up all across Latin America in the Children of God cult, now called The Family. It was a place where your body, mind and spirit were not your own. She escaped and overcame obstacle after obstacle. She emanated courage and generosity at every turn. I miss her. I wish she could have finished the book she was writing about her life.

RITUALS OF CONTROL

This is a tell-it-like-it-is song. When the benefit-of-the-doubt has run its course. We have our limits, and this narrates mine.

TERRITORY

This is my prayer, my gentle anthem for the soft-spoken, tenuous, or unheard. A reminder that there is not one way to broadcast strength. You don’t have to change your voice or your body to merit a place in this world. You belong as you are. You come with the territory.

Vocals and piano by Emily Pinkerton

Recorded and mixed by Sam Torres

Mastered by Sam Torres at Polymouth Mastering

Produced by Sophia Vastek, Sam Torres and Emily Pinkerton

Album Cover Photo by Kristi Jan Hoover

Artwork by Joanne Wiggins

Patrick and Isaiah — for encouraging me every day

Sam and Sophia — for listening closely and giving these songs a home

Joanne — for the depth of your artistic collaboration and support

Not a Game

It’s been so long since we sat down together

I walk around more than a bit off center

Too scared to make a sound

Worried my voice might fall right out and hit the ground

How many days have I been under pressure?

Feet to the fire for no reason whatsoever

Who wouldn’t crack, who wouldn’t break?

Beneath a force that fabricates a sense of shame

Just don’t brush me off

By saying I’m doing a fine job

I am a fool to search

The sky for any bright spot

It’s not a game I got any way to solve

No way, no way to solve

You say happiness can be absolute

Can it sustain me, can it reconstitute,

All the fabric of my story

Every suffering and joy that makes me whole?

Just don’t brush me off…

What I can and cannot do does not depend on you

Where I go, or how I spend my time

Do I have to spell it out? There isn’t any doubt

About how far you crossed the line

So I have set my eyes on the far horizon

Cause I’ve grown so sick and tired

Of your jaded smile and your patronizing me

As if I were a child

I’ve never been less like a child

Anything I’m taking with me

Is something you never had

If I never made you happy

Doesn’t mean that I’ve done bad

Oh, it is your choice if you feel…

Sad about the day I stepped away

When your words did not ring true

All that you could say is that you gave and gave

What about the gifts that I gave you?

Now the hardest part of a broken heart

Is the stories that we tell

Jagged edges and broken pledges

To keep injuring ourselves

Why keep on injuring ourselves?

Anything I’m taking with me…

Deseo volverme chica e invisible

Deseo ir a tocar el cielo triste, deseo

Y creo, desde la noche que te fuiste

Me veo cargando el peso de este mundo entero

Ay, ay, no amanece tu corazón

Ay, ay, desaparece en aluvión

Deseo volverme chica e invisible

Deseo deshacer cosas imposibles, deseo

Ay, ay, no amanece tu corazón

Ay, ay, desaparece en aluvión

Sabía, se iba

Sabía, se iba

(Translation)

I wish I could become small and invisible

I wish I could rise and touch the sad sky, I wish

And I believe since the night you left

I am carrying the weight of the entire world

Oh, oh, your heart does not wake

Oh, oh, it was swept away in the deluge

I wish I could become small and invisible

I wish I could undo impossible things, I wish

Oh, oh, your heart does not wake

Oh, oh, it was swept away in the deluge

She knew she was leaving

She knew she was leaving

Blunt force

Of an angry word

From and angry voice

Demanding allegiance

That hasn’t been earned

Giving orders

For silence at all costs

To protect the fragile

Who sit on the ladder,

Way at the top

So shout

Shout until I fold

Talk about decorum

As you perform

The rituals of control

And lash out

If it helps you hide

The terrifying feeling

You have nothing to teach me,

And deep down,

You know I’m right

It takes total faith to believe you have a place

Sometimes I succumb to the scary stories

Counting up the days for the worst of it to fade

You say it comes with the territory

Don’t preach

Listen to me

I never needed

To change the way I speak

The loudest and the most cavalier

Are not the only ones

Who belong here

Predator and prey, dying in the chase

They run circles in purgatory

Holding on too tight to imaginary fights

That come with the territory

Don’t preach…

The rules of day-to-day bend us out of shape

We need to shatter the categories

The smallest will be big, the highest voice will sing

And say I come with the territory

Don’t preach…